you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
