Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
