I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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