I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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