You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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