and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
