i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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