I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
True strength comes from lack of pants
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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