I accidentally had phone sex last night
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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