You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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