So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
