My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
