Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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