I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
