today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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