I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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