I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize