just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
