Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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