You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize