Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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