Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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