3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
