if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
