I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
