I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
