I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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