omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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