I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
