why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
