Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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