he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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