I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
