What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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