Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I came so hard my ears popped.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
