if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
