There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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