After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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