Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
