She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
