dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
