You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
