I never want to see another naked old woman again.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
