shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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