Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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