i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
