Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Let's get the cat blown out
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
