Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
