The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
