you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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