I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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