I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
