just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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