i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
