I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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