I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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