Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize