one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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