How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
