eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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