Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
