no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
he fucked my hip out of place.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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