I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
