Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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